I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
