So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
