so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize