i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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