So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
