I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize