Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
