Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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