well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
