he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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