So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
