She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
