Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
