I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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