when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
