my mouth tastes like poor choices
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
