Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
