Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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