booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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