You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
