Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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