Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Just pee around me
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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