Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
