The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
