R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
