If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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