First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
