i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
