he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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