it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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