why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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