Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
