My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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