I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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