i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
