I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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