i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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