Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
