RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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