OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
