There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
