he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
