Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize