She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize