I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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