Yo dont text me then not text me
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
