my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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