Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
