she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
