So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
