Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
