that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
