dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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