I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
