I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
