that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Randomize
