Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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