Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
