watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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