So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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