I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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