Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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