My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
