why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize