Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
