I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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